I was speaking to a good friend the other day and she shared a story with me that I think everyone will probably relate to. While on vacation she woke up to a rainy, cold day and really didn't want to get out of bed. She was on vacation but she still had a schedule to keep. Things needed to be seen! Feeling guilty, she decided to sleep a bit longer and postpone her sightseeing for a couple more hours. This pretty much went on all day, sleep, laying around, and lots and lots of guilt. The whole episode left her feeling ashamed and more than a little remorseful. We talked for a few minutes about how silly it is to feel guilty about doing nothing. We all know that sometimes your body simply needs to rest. To lay low. To do a whole lot of nothing. Not because you are sick but because your body says, "Hey, you. The world can live without us today. Lie back down." and we lie down. We feel bad about what we aren't doing while we lay there. It's the opposite of restful.
My friend and I ended our fairly typical conversation with a fairly typical conclusion. "Oh of course it's okay to rest! There is nothing wrong with taking a day off!" we told ourselves and each other but we both knew that those words don't mean enough to banish guilt on a lazy day.
Although this was a quick conversation the subject matter got me thinking about how much laziness is abhorred in our culture and how quick we are to think we are lazy when in fact, we simply need rest.
I entered adulthood already exhausted after having survived my parents complicated divorce. Both sides of my family contain more than their fair share of strong personalities and my childhood home was a testament to this fact. My parents have strong personalities. Their marriage and subsequent divorce was followed by years of long distance bickering took a lot of energy out of all of us. By the time I arrived here in 2011 I had been tired for a very long time.
That exhaustion combined with years of careful saving, a few well timed sales of stock options and lots of great, good luck (Thank you, God!) led me to do something I'd really never done before. I let go. I was able to leave my job in April of this year so that I could spend a few months doing whatever I wanted which specifically was a whole lot of nothing. I left my job (in the capable hands of my successor) and I just let go. I know, right? Who does that? I didn't go to Bali or visit orphans in Mexico. I did what I wanted. I frittered away hours, days, even weeks. I languished, vacationed and indulged. I over indulged, slept it off and repeated the following day. I ignored the guilt that yammered at me non-stop and I indulged my every whim. I sat in the sun and drank too much. I slept whole days away. I took short vacations because I could. I explored the neighborhood while I walked my dogs, "Why not? It's not like I'm in a hurry to be somewhere." I surfed the internet, shopping all day while my Farmville crops wilted. I was too tired for the responsibility of a virtual farm. For the first time in my life, I didn't think about Plan B. I didn't worry that I wasn't using my time productively by taking classes or volunteering or writing a novel or even pulling weeds.
Let me be honest when I say that I have lazy down to a science. It's my most finely honed skill. Yet, even at my level of proficiency, laziness often invites guilt to join in the fun. Let's face it, guilt is lazy's favorite escort of all time.
Guilt has little hold on me especially when there is tv to watch but I still suffer from my fair share of it. How can you really rest if you are wracked with guilt? I don't know how you handle it but my choice is a dedicated campaign of willful ignorance. After nine long months of ignoring my guilt and doing a whole lot of nothing something amazing started to happen. My guilt gave way to creativity. Lazy days were no longer the status quo. I found myself happy to be awake, looking forward to the day. I am rediscovering how much I enjoy meaningful work, hard work and the company of smart, able people. How much I enjoy the company of smart, able me.
It's like a rebirth. I have energy again and I find myself eager to do things that I have avoided for years out of exhaustion. I've started answering the phone. Slowly, I am reconnecting with friends. I enjoy getting ready for a date, doing chores or blogging. Things most people do all the time without a second thought. Things I have consistently avoided or postponed for years. It's a nice change for me to actually look forward social activity. I feel as if I have new lease on life. I stopped smoking and I'm taking my vitamins. I cook healthy meals for myself. I walk the dogs for miles every day and all of this activity is absolutely effortless. I don't remember ever having been so happy to wake up in the morning.
I'm sifting through the emotional chaff and discovering what it's like to be me. After years of across the board procrastination ostensibly due to my chronic fatigue all this rest has helped me face my own personal music, so to speak. I've finally figured out that my house isn't a mess because I don't have energy or time to clean. My house is a mess because I suck at cleaning. You know what? I'm okay with that. I've also learned things about myself that I never imagined could be true. I always thought of myself as a frustrated stay-at-home-mom. It turns out that's not the case. I love to work. I love to work when I have the energy to do it. I love to run, to garden and to learn. I love it when all my cylinders are firing. I love laughing.
I find myself looking forward to the flight lesson I bought in May and to spending more days like today, volunteering in my community. As I see it, I owe all this new found self-awareness and energy to one thing. Rest. Lots and lots of rest. If you are wondering why I tell these long winded stories it's because I know that many of you are guilty, too. You may not need months of channel surfing like I did in order to get your juices flowing again but I'd bet money that over the coming holidays you will be faced with opportunities to rest. The option to do nothing might appear. The chance to be very lazy. If it does I hope you are able to give in and get some rest. Take a nap. Read the whole Sunday paper. Don't feel guilty about it either. You deserve the downtime. You might meet someone on the other side of that nap, a person you've been missing. A smarter, kinder, gentler You.
Your ever lovin',
Miss Pierce